Of Closets and Breakdowns
by ShadowSilk
Summary: Crackfic. When a homicidal explosives specialist and a happy go lucky good boy are locked in a closet, chaos is bound to ensue. Oneshot.


**Author's Note:** Enjoy the story!

**Disclaimer:** Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

**Pairings:** None.

* * *

"Out of all the people in world," Deidara fumed, "I had get locked in a closet with you!" 

Tobi and Deidara were sitting on upturned boxes inside an old, dusty storage room. A single bare light bulb gave of a faint glow, threatening to burn out at any second. Stacks of forgotten boxes surrounded the small, cramped room.

The leader had asked Tobi and Deidara to fetch him some of his old world maps from the supply closet. However, when the two stepped inside, the door locked shut behind them.

"Look at the bright side, senpai!" Tobi exclaimed cheerfully. "It's really quite cozy in here!"

"Like I would want to get cozy with you, un," Deidara grumbled.

Tobi planted his hands on his hips, turning a full 180 degrees. "Look at all of this stuff in here!" He sprang forward and grabbed a dusty old book. "Look! What's this? _Icha Icha Paradise_? This looks educational!" Tobi curiously cracked open the bright orange book.

"AAAHH! SENPAI!"

Deidara glanced over, uninterested.

"SENPAI!_ MY VIRGIN EYES_!"

"Tobi! Shut up, un!"

Tobi lay sprawled on the ground, his hands pressed over the hole in his orange mask.

"Well then, was that educational, un?" Deidara asked sarcastically.

"Oh, Senpai!" he whimpered. "That was _horrible_!"

Deidara rolled his eyes and grabbed the book. He flipped the book and checked the back. _Property of Hatake Kakashi_ was scrawled in messy handwriting across the back cover.

* * *

Hundreds of miles away, Kakashi appeared at the training grounds. Sakura and Naruto were waiting for him, livid expressions on their faces. 

"You're eight hours late, Sensei," Sakura said, her hand planted on her hip.

Kakashi had a panicked look on his face.

Instantly, his students' faces softened.

"What's the matter, Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked in concern.

Kakashi threw his hands up in the air.

"I can't find my freaking sex book!"

* * *

Tobi was lying on the ground, rubbing his uncovered eye. 

"I'm glad that's over, eh, Senpai? We good boys can't handle such naughty things!"

"I wonder if I could blast open the door with my clay, un," Deidara muttered, ignoring Tobi. He reached for his clay pouch. When he found nothing there, he turned and glared at Tobi.

"Were you playing with my clay again?!" he shouted angrily. The hands on his mouths bared their teeth. "You idiot!"

"I'm so sorry, Senpai!" Tobi cried. "I just wanted to make beautiful art like you do!" Deidara could hear sniffling behind Tobi's mask.

Deidara sighed. "Well, what are we going to do now, un? There isn't any food in here."

Tobi looked thoughtful. Well, as thoughtful as one can look with a mask on.

"Well, I remember seeing something on the Discovery Channel," Tobi said slowly, "about drinking ur—"

"NO!"

"Senpai," Tobi asked shakily, "does that mean we're stuck in here?"

"Unfortunately, un," Deidara muttered. He felt a migraine coming on.

Tobi slumped on the floor, his head in his hands.

He began to sob.

"Senpai, I don't want to die in here!"

Deidara sighed. "You're not going to die, un. Stop being such a drama queen."

"Seeenpaai!" Tobi began to wail, holding his head in his hands. "The leader is going to be so mad at me! I have so many chores to do but I can't because I'm locked in a closet! It's dusty and I'm allergic and…and…"—Tobi looked up at Deidara, his swirly mask full of tears—"I'm a terrible Akatsuki member! I don't deserve to liiiive!" He crumpled to the floor.

"Tobi."

No response.

"Tobi?"

Nothing.

Five minutes, then ten minutes went by.

Deidara sighed. Tobi was so frustrating. He was such a child. He looked down at his partner with a look of defeat. Unenthusiastically, Deidara stretched out his arms.

"Tobi, do you need a hug, un?" he asked flatly.

Tobi sprang up from the cold cement ground. He smiled brightly behind his mask, and his eyes crinkled with happiness. Tobi positively glowed.

"Oh, Senpai, do you really mean it?"

"…Hn."

"Oh, Senpai! You're so thoughtful!" Tobi enveloped Deidara in a bone-crushing hug.

"Tobi!" Deidara gasped. "I can't breathe, un!"

"Oh, sorry, Senpai!" Tobi said cheerfully. He released Deidara.

Deidara scurried back, as far from Tobi as he could get. He was breathing heavily.

"Tobi, if it's the last thing I do," he croaked, "_I'm coming out of the closet!_"

At that moment, the door opened. Bright light spilled into the closet, making Tobi and Deidara squint.

"_What did you just say?"_

Hidan stood in the doorway, a large metal pike sticking out of his chest. He was covered with blood. His eyebrows were knit low.

"I had to frickin' interrupt my ritual to get you two idiots," Hidan grumbled. He stepped inside the closet. "The leader wants his maps. What the hell was taking so long?" He reached up and grabbed a pile of filthy charts. "Heathen bastards…"

Behind him, the door clicked shut.

"Nooo!" wailed Tobi.

"Dammit," Deidara felt a scream bubbling inside of him. "_DAMMIT, UN_!"

"For the love of Jashin, Deidara," Hidan said, "what the hell is wrong with you?" He took a couple steps forward and tried to open the door. "What the…"

A long string of obscenities came pouring out of Hidan's mouth.

Deidara began to bang his head against the wall.

Tobi collapsed and assumed the fetal position.

A few minutes later, everyone had calmed down.

"Let's look on the bright side!" Tobi piped up optimistically. "It's…it's even MORE cozy in here! We can have some _bonding time_!"

Deidara and Hidan just stared at him.

"Hell no," Hidan said flatly. He turned away, and the wooden end of his pike smacked Deidara in the ribs.

"Ouch!" yelped Deidara. "That pike just poked me, un. Can't you take it out?"

"I would," Hidan said sheepishly, "but it's kind of…stuck."

"Hidan-san! You look pale!" Tobi said worriedly. "And you're covered with blood!"

"Yeah, whatever," Hidan said dismissively. "Can you just pull this out of my chest?"

"No way, un!" Deidara said in disgust. "You probably have a disease!" He held up his hands and shook them in Hidan's face. "I have_ mouths_ on my hands, un!" Deidara shook his hands in Hidan's face. "I don't want to taste your nasty contaminated pike!"

Hidan grabbed the pike with both hands and tried to pull. Instead, blood came spurting over his chest, staining his cloak.

"Damn, that hurts," Hidan said, his voice strained. "I can't get it—"

Tobi suddenly shrieked.

"Tobi, shut up!" Hidan said crossly. He turned to Deidara. "How do you put up with this guy?"

Sighing, Deidara asked, "What's wrong, Tobi?"

Tobi pointed at Hidan with a shaking finger. "That…that…th-that…"

"Spit it out, godammit!" Hidan barked.

"THAT'S_ DRY-CLEAN ONLY!" _Tobi bellowed.

"What are you talking about?!" Hidan said. Tobi was _really_ starting to freak him out.

"_Your cloak!" _Tobi shouted, raising his arms to the ceiling. Instantly, he dropped his arms and his voice became dangerously soft. "_Do you know who has to do the laundry around here, Hidan_?"

"Erm," Hidan glanced at Deidara, who was slowly backing away. Deidara's eyes were wide in fright. "Uh…you?"

Tobi exploded. He grabbed Hidan and lifted him into the air. With a tremendous shout, Hidan was hurled at the door.

The door splintered into thousands of pieces, littering the hallway. Hidan tumbled on to the ground, landing painfully on his back.

"_WE'RE FREE_!" Deidara shouted, dancing around in the light. With a maniacal laugh, he tore down the hallway and burst into the kitchen, where he and his mouth-hands began eating everything in sight.

Tobi stepped out of the closet, dusting off his hands. He ran over to Hidan.

"Hidan-san, are you all right?" he asked.

"G-get away from me!" Hidan screamed, scrambling to his feet. He scurried to the room that he shared with Kakuzu and slammed the door shut, breathing heavily. Then he fainted from blood loss.

Kakuzu opened the door and walked in, nonchalantly stepping over his partner's unconscious body.

Meanwhile, near the storage closet, Tobi stood there, utterly confused. He shrugged his shoulders and skipped down the hallway, merrily whistling a happy little tune.

* * *

The leader leaned back in his chair. He glanced at the clock.

"Where are my maps?"

* * *

**Author's Note**: Thanks for reading! Reviews would be very appreciated. :D 


End file.
